Friday, August 20, 2010


My friend (and soon-to-be roommate) and I have talked often about the mythical Christian "checklist"...that list of steps and tasks to be completed before one reaches the Holy Grail of self-awareness and near-Godliness. That moment when you are no longer who you were, but the very best you will ever be.

We talk about it because we hate it. We hate it because, quite frankly, it doesn't exist. There is no moment when you are safe from yourself, when you are "cured" and no longer at risk of slipping down the muddy slope you've been struggling to climb. Deep down, I know I just have to say the word to be carried out of that. That faith and perseverance stop the slide. But that isn't how I FEEL.

I started this blog because I wanted to share the new direction I've chosen to point my life. But it would be useless to only write the triumphs. It would be dishonest and a disservice to you and to me to deny the moments where my shoes get muddy and I just want to sit down in the mud and get dirty. No pun intended. Well, not exactly. But the truth is, there are times like this week, when the old me seems to be BANGING on my door. She's asking when I became so boring, why I won't text that guy, why I won't have another drink. She's wondering why an e-mail to my ex would be a big deal. She's reminding me of all the pain of the past, but she paints a pretty picture of all of those experiences. She sees them as these wistful, romantic, slightly tortured love stories. My mind knows that the only truth in the previous sentence is found in "torture". No (true) romance. Certainly no true love.

Yet here I sit, missing it. Missing feeling wanted for something, even if that something left me emptier than before, every time. Missing phone calls, text messages, the drama. Why?

And then I think of footprints. Two sets, His and mine. I know someday, I will look back on today, yesterday, and so many others and see only one set. I know I'm being carried. I know this because as much as I want to, I haven't given in. I haven't texted that guy, had that drink, or sent that e-mail. My heart knows it's worth it. My mind is being a whiny pain in the ass, but that's today. Tomorrow...tomorrow, we'll see.

Makes me think of this:
(Tenth Avenue North, "On and On")

Life is waiting for you
And life I have given to you
Tell me what else can I do
What more have I left to prove?
That I am what you need
Still I will hold on to your heart
Through the chaos and the dark
When your eyes fail to see

So what are you waiting for?

On and on we go
Come love take my hand
On and on we go
As you run away again
On and on we go
Back to where this all began

So come love take my hand

...Okay. I can do that. Muddy shoes and all.


  1. Here is my heart, O God,
    here it is with all its secrets.
    Look into my thoughts, O my hope,
    and take away all my wrong feelings.
    Let my eyes be ever on you
    ...and release my feet from the snare.
    I ask you to live with me,
    to reign in me, to make this heart
    of mine a holy temple,
    a fit dwelling for your divine majesty. Amen.

    - St. Augustine of Hippo

  2. Sometimes going back to the "old ways" is so much easier than sticking to your true wants and that's why it seems like those old things are what you want. You hang in there sweetie. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.