"Just to be with you, I'll do anything..."
I can't tell you how many times I've dreamed/hoped/wished/fantasized/hallucinated that a man would say something like that to me. In years of pursuing inappropriate men with all of my time and energy, hoping they'd deem me worthy of theirs. Waiting for them to make some grand gesture of love, so I would KNOW I was theirs. That I belonged to them.
Those that know me can vouch...this never happened. I was never worth it, never enough. That's what I believed.
A few weeks ago, in the midst of a pity party I threw for myself, "celebrating" my ex-boyfriend(s) and how much they didn't love me, going a tad overboard with the wallowing, I absentmindedly twirled the cross around my neck. And then it dawned on me: I've been waiting for someone to do something heroic, something meaningful. HE already HAS. It was the clearest picture of God's love I'd ever had. A few days after this realization, I heard "Love Song" by Third Day. I've heard a lot of worship songs, and love many, but this one instantly brought me, quite literally, to my knees. A snippet:
Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away
I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away
Unbelievable. A song from God. To me. A LOVE song. And with every word, the lyrics confirmed what I am finally learning to accept. These were the words I've always wanted to hear, more beautifully said than I could ever articulate on my own. And coming from the One who did indeed give everything to be with me, truer than I can fully understand. To be with ME...me, the woman so convinced that she wasn't worth the time. I don't even know how to describe that kind of love. I don't know how to express the peace, the overwhelming peace, that comes with knowing that it's mine, forever. Every person I am blessed to know, every sweet moment, is icing on the cake.
It is still a struggle to shake those old feelings, to learn to rest in His love. This knowledge is new, it's growing, but it's REAL. Knowing that someone loves me. Someone finds me worthy. And I belong to Him.